A sketchbook is not just about sketch. It’s about a human’s mind and soul. About stress and desire.
My sketchbook is full again. Quite fast. Depression does have an effect, huh?
“I’m right here! Why do you keep holding onto that faded memory?!”
Standing in her room, he shouts. Across the room, she is standing there, shivering. She is holding tightly what seems to be a body. A male body.
“Because you two are the SAME! WHY do you keep holding onto ME?! Stop the lies already!” Tears are rolling down her face. “At least this you I’m holding will never reject me…anymore…”
His eyes slowly adjust to the dark. That is a corpse. With no limbs. Swallows that down. Takes a step forward. Must be gentle.
The girl is trembling. This is it. Nothing he can do. Helpless.
“No…I don’t love you…I don’t love anyone…This is selfish. This is unacceptable. This is guilty…”
She seems to be losing control.
Maybe I would enjoy a new story, a new restart, somehow, like an alternative universe to my twisted world, a reality built on lies
In a universe where things have not gotten this bad…where everything changes
But if I am unchanged, then the end still doesn’t change.
Now that I think about it throughly, there is no way I will have a trauma over a mere lover. There can only be two cases: either that memory was not my trauma, or that was only a part of it. Since I know I forced myself to forget it, the case falls to the later. There should be something more that I forgot.
I didn’t had much friend when I was a secondary student. I had only one, to be exact. One girl. We were friends.
Till one day
“I only feel pity for you”
What can I say? Best friend ever, 10/10, must have.
But still, even with these memories, I couldn’t have trauma, anxiety, or depression over any of these. There is still something wrong.
Our relationship is something that technically doesn’t exist. There is no name of it, nor any hint directly supports the idea such a relationship exists. Hence, there’s no solid evidence that one day, you will not left me behind.
Till now, you have never shattered my hope. That can still be that you simply want to keep your promises, simple promises with no romantic intention. I don’t want my hope turn to be false. As they usually did.
As you can clearly see, the fear of being left by such a nice person like you is beyond stupidity. You can say, this had evolved into some kind of anxiety. So what can be the reason behind this?
At first, I thought this is just who I am. But as time goes by, I realize, something not right. I have forgotten something. I’m not afraid of being left just because “I’m afraid”. There was a memory. A trauma? I have forgotten something that affected my life, so that can only means I forced myself to forget it. Thus, this should be as awful as a trauma.
So that memory was
I was happy. I have someone next to me, who (unintentionally) lied: “I love you because of who you are”.
And few days later, when I was still really happy
He left. More like, he left me.
He said he didn’t think through. And I looked at his eyes. Full of determination. To leave me. And I realized, there was nothing I can do. The relationship was never solid. Think could fall off at anytime, for no reason, and there is nothing you can do.
I felt hopeless. Pathetic. Naive. Depressed. Shocked. Paralyzed. Foolish.
Why am I writing this down?
Because soon, I will forget. I want some part of me left. That’s why.
“Who like that is stupid and selfish”, “They don’t care about people around them”, “You should think about the love your family gave you”, “They haven’t think through”,…..
Let me tell you how we were “stupid” and “selfish”.
We do care about people around us. The thought of their love for us, and the thought of our own existence bothering them, those contradict and add up at the same time inside our minds. We think that, without us, the world will be a better place, we won’t bother anyone, no one will be annoyed anymore. People around don’t help to worry for us anymore, isn’t that a relief?
“How can you believe such a nonsense thing?” No, we don’t believe anything. Actually, we can’t believe anything at all. We’re unsure about everything. Everything is all like, “It can be like this, but you can’t be sure, because every time you’re sure about something, bad things happened” Like you thought doing something back then would help, but it actually annoyed others. That feeling is terrible, it’s like you’re terrified, helpless, bothersome, guilty, dumb, and useless at the same time.
“What can be such a reason for you to commit suicide?”, “Whatever it was, it can’t be that bad. Life is still there ahead”
Yes, it’s that bad. Life is still ahead. Can you understand how terrified it sounded?
One thing that anyone who dealing with depression would have is the lack of motivation. Someone used to tell me: “You will never fell lonely, when you still have your family”. I guess he didn’t know what is the loneliest feeling. The feeling that the world is so kind to you, and only you aren’t kind to your own. Can you know the feel, when you just don’t have any hope, dreams, desires, belief, anything at all? Can you imagine the feel, living in the love of others, when there is no love inside you at all? That is the loneliest feel of all. Yes, I have to agree that’s silly. But you can’t just call some feeling “silly” and then brush it off. It’s not simple like that.
In my case, what cause my such-called depression was my urge to help other. That was all I’ve ever wanted, that was all I have ever tried to do, so I could love and feel loved. You should be thinking, that was supposed to be a good thing, wasn’t it? Well, you see, the problem was, not everyone “needed” or “wanted” to be help. So in the end, I ended up annoyed them. But I didn’t give up my hope. “Maybe I should be more careful, maybe I should leave them alone”. Once again, they hated me for that. They thought I was selfish and emotionless. “You think you are high and superior right?” And then I was completely lost. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I want to help, but I afraid I would upset them. So I stay away, but I scared to annoyed them with “that attitude”. The infinite loop of uncertainty drove me crazy, and I ended up being like this.
But that wasn’t the most terrible part. The terrible part was, I had never known if all of that above had ever been the truth, or it had simply been my stupid imagination. I have never know, I never know, I will never know. These uncertainties are driving me crazy.
And now, I can’t want anything anymore. My soul, my head are both feeling sore. I gave up. I’m sorry. I can’t go on anymore. I don’t even want to die anymore. I only want to lie there, soullessly, dead. Not physically dead, but dead.
Sorry, but I gave up.