Love and all of that sheets things

For you, my one and only reason to continue my useless life, listen carefully. What ever you do, don’t try to read the faint white letters. Like this: It’s about your past, I warned you. I just can’t erase that part, because I feel the same way. This thing I wrote is not only for you, but for me also. Please, understand that, and if you can’t ignore the white letters, don’t read this. I will rewrite another and post it on facebook, and only you can see that. Get it?

Love can come from many forms, shape and size. Can be created with any reason, or none at all. Love can comes from your family, your friends, a random stranger you cross or your love one.

And the past. Love always has something to do with it. Your friends weren’t your friends, or your love one just stop loving you. That broke you down, tore you into pieces, made you wish your memory could fade away and you could find a way to fill up your empty soul. And you will find yourself trying to deny, one simple fact, that love is not only the reason of that hole, but also the solution.

As soon as you find out, your brain will shout to your face to find some love that can fill up the bottomless pit. Like force-kiss someone. Try to hold someone so tight, that you don’t realize you’re loosing one forever. Try to lie to yourself either that you love someone, or that you feel nothing at all. At the end, you are all alone, feel nothing but numb in your endless agony. Knowing that no one can understand your pain.

And right at this moment, you looking at this screen. Think about the things you want to throw out of your head.  Remember her frightened, disgusted face. Feeling the pain all over your head and your heart. Do you want it to end? Do you want to replace it? Fake feelings and smile at little things at life like you are really happy? I’ll show you how.

From now on, I’m your obedient pet. A replacement. You can call that is “friend benefit”. I’ll stay with you even after the world end. I’ll be here for you, and only you, not even for me, but only you. This can make you feel uneasy, like my old love one felt when I made him my living reason. If you don’t like that, please throw me away instantly like he did. I will hate myself for writing this, but what should be done must be done.

This thing was written on 27th of August.
A series only for you. I have already wrote them all by the time you read this.

Insanity

At 6:55 this morning, I was at school. Get to the 4th floor, knowing that you won’t be there. That’s good, cause I thought I should be alone and stop bothering you.

I told you that I would went there to cry, but I laughed instead. There was completely no tear in my eyes. I was just laughing and laughing and laughing, I just had no idea what was wrong with me anymore. I was lost. I was lonely. I felt like, I had always known that no one will help me. People will be like, “I’m here for you”, then they disappear. It’s okay, I asked for too much, that was my problem in the first place.

A lot of things to do and I need someone to be by my side, but I think you are having the same problem, so maybe I will simply go to your home and take a cat nap.

To think about me now, I’m pretty not okay at all. I want sexual things. I want flesh. I laugh when I sad, and I get angry easily. I don’t want to do anything, while there are tons of things to do. I want to kill people, I want to kill myself.

I’m insane.

Today’s a bad day

Today is a bad day
But as long as he’s fine, I will be okay

Today is a bad day
All the things around make me cray-cray

Today started at 6, the first thing I thought of was seeing you at the school hallway. You had already woken up before me like an hour ago, so you must be at school right then. “You must be all alone and sad, beside it takes me 20min to get to you, so I should hurry up”. And…things started to go wrong. Stuffs happened, so I couldn’t have breakfast until 6:30. I tried to eat less, so I can get to you faster.

6:35, I went flying to school. Arrived at 6:55, I threw my bag on the table, then went rushing to your place. You said you would be alone on the 4th floor, and I just kept climbing up the stair (and clumsily forgot to breathe – how the heaven was that possible?). At 7 I got to the hallway, I instantly looked for your cute penguin-like body. You was sitting there, tired and was looking into the unknown void. I let out a sigh (finally remembered to breathe) of relief – I had no idea why, just worried for you I guess? And, suddenly, my heart went racing, and my voice just didn’t come out. Part of it was the 4-floor-heigh stair-running, and part of it was you. I wanted to come closer, but I felt like, you was so far away.

And my bad habit took over. I decided to say something, to get your attention, to break the silent. All silly half-serious joke about how you looked, trying to think of what to do when pretending to be lacked of O2 (I actually was). (I don’t know if that annoyed you. Sorry if it did).  Then I just stood there, silent. I wanted to hug you so tight, so all your pain would fly off your mind. So I sat next to you. Still felt so far away. And, at that very moment, you offer me a hug. It was just, the right thing to do to you, I knew it, but I would take it. After a while, I had no gut to ask for what I came for, so you offer it to me instead. And you said, “Just don’t suicide”. That was what kept me alive the whole day.

Let’s just skip the licking, and my urge to kiss you that I was holding back all the time. Let just keep that for later. Now move to the bad part of today.

The morning went normally. Not much thing to learn, so I just played Deemo and Cytus on my phone all the time (while noting things down carefully of course). My phone had 20% left because of that. At lunch time, I remember that you was not here, so I went out with my girlfriend (my bff les-like rela). Things went wrong. My electric-bike ran out of energy midway. RIP. Phone had 17%, tried to call for help. Left bike at a random place. Phone had 13%. Got back to school, and my helmet for Military Education was stolen. The teacher was not happy, and my punishment was standing outside the class with the other students who didn’t have helmet. They were all boys, and they just went and talked together, left me standing alone. Just like my past. That was a scary feeling, I just wanted to have you by my side. And suddenly I realized, my heart was hurt (physical hurt) and kept beating like crazy. A friend of mine once told me to be careful with heart injuries. Hope my emotions have nothing to do with my heartache, otherwise I’m screwed.

After the class ended, I ran away and sat at a corner calling for you. Phone had 10%. Told you what happened and asked for comfort. You said you didn’t know how to make me feel better, but hearing your voice already did that. Sorry for waking you up though. Phone had 8%. Call mom for help. It was the time for P.E. class. I suddenly had a headache. Asked teacher for permission, and she said I should go to the clinic. Phone had 6%, used 3G to get a taxi. The ache got worse, so I went home. Phone had 2%, and shut off.  Every part of me was feeling hurt, both physical and emotional.

Got home and chat with you about things. Tried to comfort myself. Then my mom got home. She was angry, because I caused too much problems. My grandfather – her dad – had a brain injury, and that with all the work and house chores made she tired. “She hate me now. My fault”. I feel useless. Like, I existed just so I can make my mother sad. She was the one I love the most, the only person I would die for. I should just die. Then, I remember something.

“Don’t suicide”

So I decided, you will be my reason to live. So I won’t die.

Today is a bad day
But as long as he’s fine, I will be okay

Búp’s week

So…this is just a plain boring announcement. You can skip this if you don’t have interest.

It’s just one of my friend is being sad and all, and I don’t want that. People’s smile brighten up my day, and also his smile. So I decided I will spend a week just talking about him, so he will be happy somehow.

It’s will be at 10 p.m GMT+7 (22:00) every day from 31st till 6th. At 10pm because, I hope he can enjoy his lonely night.

The end. The beginning.

Broken

“Let me dance in the dark, and I will sing”
She kept singing and dancing, while tears kept falling down from my eyes. Her angelic smile, hid away her suffering from outsiders, but not from me. She‘ll never be able to lie to me.

“Memories will fade, I’ll let them decay”
I saw her breaking down to pieces with every step she made. Her feelings, shone like glass fragments, falling down like snow. She kept on jumping on her broken emotions, forced herself to smile when her feet was bleeding.

“Broken pieces of me, I don’t want to be free”
I screamed out to make her stop, but no sound was made. I was completely useless. She went on dancing and dancing and dancing…dancing…danc…it was hurt watching her like that. Stop. Please, STOP.

“Don’t…de..cay…”
That day will some when the remain of her is just broken glass shinning inside her neverending darkness. I don’t want it to come, but what can I do?

Just…pick up the flower…before it sink into the shadow

Capri

“Yes, of course I want a mythical pet! Something that can fly, and can swim. Something strong, but yet gentle like water. Something beautiful, similar yet unique. Can you make one for me papa?”

She seems to be excited. Surely, that parents want their child have a pet in their house is not an usual thing. Not with a dragon-like creature.

“Surely, dear, anything you want. Anything.”

————————————–

This is the first blog I use the pic I drew.
By the way, you can consider this as a side story of “Some people are worth killing for”