[Not] again

Disclaimer: the picture here is not my drawing, yet I fixed it a little using painttoolSAI.

Things are repeating.

First, the girl that smiled to him yesterday, now is asking him to have lunch with her. Such a nice girl. What a pity.

And so, they have lunch together on the rooftop. A little chat, those boring things. Woah, don’t they look lovely together?

And after that, yes, of course. The piano. The piano in the instrument room is being played. The room is right under where they are, so he can easily hear it. So this is happening again huh?

Few days later, the newspaper coverages of a murder of a young school girl, she was killed inside the instrument room of her school after lunch time. The murder weapon was identified as some kind of string – the kind of string that use in fishing line or in musical instruments. She was suffocated to death, and was hit by a stick-like weapon several time after her death. The police have no clues of who the killer can be, or how that one was able to lead the victim into the room and kill her. The only suspect was a school boy, who was the last one to talk to her earlier before the murder, but when he was being in custody, an anonymous sent the police a picture of him standing near the school clock on the roof, and the time on it was exactly when the girl was killed.

“She told me that she wanted to see who was playing the piano, although I told her not to because I felt uneasy. I knew this would happened because this is at least the 10th time of the 10th school. I should stop her, then all of this had never happened…”

“Boy, I know this was hard for you, but we found no sign of that someone played the piano, or any instrument in the room. And all other students don’t say anything about hearing a piano sound or any unusual noise.”

“Ah ~ so lucky that I took some pictures of him right?”
“It was just because I cleaned it all you know?”


The essay

So on Friday, my teacher gave me this: “Isn’t it true when Norman Cousins said: “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

Right at the moment I read that, I had already know what was awaiting me. The epilogue would require me to write something like “don’t let your inner child die” or something like that.

What an irony, requiring a dead person to tell someone else to “live”. I have already killed myself, you know?


This world is broken. Everything that had ever happened to me, including myself, was crazy as hell.

But you. You are like, the only logical thing that had happened.

I used my last dose of sanity on you. Now you are not with me anymore, I’m insane.

“Great minds think alike” – but your ideal is different from mine. You belong to the light, while my place is in the shadow.

I trust only you – not me, only you – but you provided me nothing to rely on. So I’m still lost. I’m sorry.

Thank you, and I’m sorry

Well, that was another fine week I guess?
Thank you for remind me about the things I should never forget. And sorry for taking your time.
Hope you will be able to fly away from these things as you wished.

Please, remember that what I wrote is the past. Don’t worry, I’m completely different now.

The pianist

“Hi everyone. My name is [  ], really looking forward to joining you all in the next semester.  So as the teacher said, I was a transfer student from…”

How many times had she repeated these sentences? She doesn’t care anymore. This should be the 10th school, at least. Changing and changing and changing…. fufu, hope this won’t stop.

“So please be nice to me, I hope we will be good friends, or lovers.”  – This’s happening again. Ah. That’s boy on the corner is smiling to her. She feel some exciting presage.

The piano sound dancing in her mind, note by note caress her eardrums.

“What will I be playing for him this time?”


27th of Aug, 2015

I needed something to fill up my hole. I was slowly sinking into the void, maybe I should take something with me?
And I remembered of you. Now you were pretty much like me. Depressed, lost, empty. I should use that to my advantage.
And so I called out your name. I asked for hugs. I asked for more. Surprisingly, you accepted. I wanted a kiss, but, later when you offered it to me, I refused, because I want no emotional attachment (it was not like I know how to kiss either).
By then, I hadn’t decided how I would use you yet. Maybe, I could use you to satisfy my needs. When you are depressed and have no love to ease your pain, sexual things can replace it.
I know I shouldn’t though.

28th of Aug, 2015

I wanted to die. Nothing went my way. Excepted for my morning with you. I need a reason to continue my life.
Oh, I know.
You can be my reason. If you stay there for me, then I can live and do my roll. If you leave me, I would have a lesson, and I will know how to do things myself, that I shouldn’t trust anything at all. Both are good.
But deep down, I wanted you to stay.

29th of Aug, 2015

I felt horrible. Last night was a bad night. A bad night of a bad day. But instead of looking for you for comfort, I think we both need some space to breathe. My way of clingy love must had suffocated you. So today I will just send you a link to my post about you, and only that. Or maybe I won’t.
Tonight I will go out and have a little fun. If I want to pretend like I was normal, I should go out and get some training.
And if you want to talk to me, you will. And you did.
I will try to hold back the urge to bother you tonight.

30th of Aug, 2015

I feel like you didn’t want to help me anymore.
I feel like I’m insane.
Maybe I’ll get some more love from other people tomorrow.
I can’t sleep, I can’t cry.

31st of Aug, 2015

Today is nice. You told me not to forget to enjoy life. Thank you, really, that helped me out.
Now I remember the way I enjoy life. I get love from people, and prove to myself that I was love. That how I live.
And so, today is nice, because I finally remember how to live. Thank you.
You helped me remember my reason to live.

Things ends here. Thank you for all you have done. What can I do for you?