“Who like that is stupid and selfish”, “They don’t care about people around them”, “You should think about the love your family gave you”, “They haven’t think through”,…..
Let me tell you how we were “stupid” and “selfish”.
We do care about people around us. The thought of their love for us, and the thought of our own existence bothering them, those contradict and add up at the same time inside our minds. We think that, without us, the world will be a better place, we won’t bother anyone, no one will be annoyed anymore. People around don’t help to worry for us anymore, isn’t that a relief?
“How can you believe such a nonsense thing?” No, we don’t believe anything. Actually, we can’t believe anything at all. We’re unsure about everything. Everything is all like, “It can be like this, but you can’t be sure, because every time you’re sure about something, bad things happened” Like you thought doing something back then would help, but it actually annoyed others. That feeling is terrible, it’s like you’re terrified, helpless, bothersome, guilty, dumb, and useless at the same time.
“What can be such a reason for you to commit suicide?”, “Whatever it was, it can’t be that bad. Life is still there ahead”
Yes, it’s that bad. Life is still ahead. Can you understand how terrified it sounded?
One thing that anyone who dealing with depression would have is the lack of motivation. Someone used to tell me: “You will never fell lonely, when you still have your family”. I guess he didn’t know what is the loneliest feeling. The feeling that the world is so kind to you, and only you aren’t kind to your own. Can you know the feel, when you just don’t have any hope, dreams, desires, belief, anything at all? Can you imagine the feel, living in the love of others, when there is no love inside you at all? That is the loneliest feel of all. Yes, I have to agree that’s silly. But you can’t just call some feeling “silly” and then brush it off. It’s not simple like that.
In my case, what cause my such-called depression was my urge to help other. That was all I’ve ever wanted, that was all I have ever tried to do, so I could love and feel loved. You should be thinking, that was supposed to be a good thing, wasn’t it? Well, you see, the problem was, not everyone “needed” or “wanted” to be help. So in the end, I ended up annoyed them. But I didn’t give up my hope. “Maybe I should be more careful, maybe I should leave them alone”. Once again, they hated me for that. They thought I was selfish and emotionless. “You think you are high and superior right?” And then I was completely lost. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I want to help, but I afraid I would upset them. So I stay away, but I scared to annoyed them with “that attitude”. The infinite loop of uncertainty drove me crazy, and I ended up being like this.
But that wasn’t the most terrible part. The terrible part was, I had never known if all of that above had ever been the truth, or it had simply been my stupid imagination. I have never know, I never know, I will never know. These uncertainties are driving me crazy.
And now, I can’t want anything anymore. My soul, my head are both feeling sore. I gave up. I’m sorry. I can’t go on anymore. I don’t even want to die anymore. I only want to lie there, soullessly, dead. Not physically dead, but dead.
Sorry, but I gave up.