Disclaimer: I’m not good at writing (or English, or anything at all). I’m writing this as an apology, but I’m not seeking understanding nor forgiveness. I simply think that I owe you all a proper explanation.
Note: This is a post that I posted on my Facebook, to all of my friends.
Where do I start? Ah, I should start at where it all began. The happiest period of my life was when I first entered this school, the best school in Hanoi, maybe the best in Vietnam. It was not only because of the honour, but also because of all the friends I had. You are all so kind, so supportive, so understanding. I felt like, all my wishes came true. I was an excellent student, I was loved by everyone, I had everything that thousands of teenagers wanted to have.
But it was not for long. Have I ever told you that I was a horrible person at primary school? When I found out how much of a jerk I was, I tried my best to be a “good person”, to please everyone. With a constant fear of being seen as an arrogant, ignorant, stuck up jerk. Deep down, I always thought that I didn’t deserve love, that all the love I received had always been a lie that I made up to calm myself.
And all those fears, those anxieties, those doubts followed me to highschool. Even when I happily reassured myself that all of my wishes were fulfilled, the fear still lived inside me. After a while, I think it was at 11th grade, I realised there were people who hated me. Why? Of course because I was a jerk. I was always a jerk. I was insensitive. There were times when I blame it on my appearance, thinking that I was ugly, but in fact it had always been because of my shitty personality. Once again, the fear grew up and taken over me. I no longer trust the genuine compliments, I no longer trust my own mind telling me “Everything is gonna be okay”, “You are full of love” or any stupid lies like those. I thought that was the worst.
Turned out I was wrong. Life sure has a sense of humour, doesn’t it?
My mind started to corrupt. I was no longer an excellent student. My study went downhill. My passion for art started to fade. My will to be kind and loving slowly disappeared. Everything just slowly faded to an ugly white. Nothing mattered anymore. I was really depressed at that point, so depressed that I left my PYHA club and the Science Tornado project, and considered killing myself. But my survival instinct kicked in, and I looked for help.
As I told my parents about my status, they took me to a doctor, who was a friend of my father. It was in summer. I was first diagnosed with depression, but shortly after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. After taking some medicine, I no longer longed for death. We all thought that everything was finally okay.
Wrong again, sucker.
At the start of 12th grade, my mom decided I was well enough to stop taking medicine. At that time, I didn’t really feel so, but I was mentally exhausted. So instead of telling my mom “I don’t feel good mommy”, I just simply told her that I was fine, and agreed to stop taking pill. Things are still gloomy, I was still suck at studying (actually, at everything), and I started to want death again, how great. I just wanted to blame something, someone. But everyone was nice. My family was supportive and understanding. I myself was not unfortunate or untalented. Even my luck was in my favour. So what should I blame? Myself. Well it was not the only time I blame myself anyway.
By now, I just don’t care anymore. I did not give up on life, because I love my dear mother too much to put her under such a pain. But I did give up on everything else. I don’t study anymore. I don’t play piano, nor draw, nor write anymore. Games become more and more boring after each day. I use friends to cheer myself up, but hey, not working. To be honest, this is no different from death itself.
So, if you message me and receive no answer, you know why. If it your birthday, and I say nothing, you know why. If we met in real life, and I ignore you, you know why. Again, I’m not looking for understanding. I’m sorry for being a useless burden to all of you.
Please know that I love all of you. I cherish every single person that came to my life. Thank you for your support. Without all of you, I must have been dead by now.