Thank you, and I’m sorry

Well, that was another fine week I guess?
Thank you for remind me about the things I should never forget. And sorry for taking your time.
Hope you will be able to fly away from these things as you wished.

Please, remember that what I wrote is the past. Don’t worry, I’m completely different now.

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Diary

27th of Aug, 2015

I needed something to fill up my hole. I was slowly sinking into the void, maybe I should take something with me?
And I remembered of you. Now you were pretty much like me. Depressed, lost, empty. I should use that to my advantage.
And so I called out your name. I asked for hugs. I asked for more. Surprisingly, you accepted. I wanted a kiss, but, later when you offered it to me, I refused, because I want no emotional attachment (it was not like I know how to kiss either).
By then, I hadn’t decided how I would use you yet. Maybe, I could use you to satisfy my needs. When you are depressed and have no love to ease your pain, sexual things can replace it.
I know I shouldn’t though.

28th of Aug, 2015

I wanted to die. Nothing went my way. Excepted for my morning with you. I need a reason to continue my life.
Oh, I know.
You can be my reason. If you stay there for me, then I can live and do my roll. If you leave me, I would have a lesson, and I will know how to do things myself, that I shouldn’t trust anything at all. Both are good.
But deep down, I wanted you to stay.

29th of Aug, 2015

I felt horrible. Last night was a bad night. A bad night of a bad day. But instead of looking for you for comfort, I think we both need some space to breathe. My way of clingy love must had suffocated you. So today I will just send you a link to my post about you, and only that. Or maybe I won’t.
Tonight I will go out and have a little fun. If I want to pretend like I was normal, I should go out and get some training.
And if you want to talk to me, you will. And you did.
I will try to hold back the urge to bother you tonight.

30th of Aug, 2015

I feel like you didn’t want to help me anymore.
I feel like I’m insane.
Maybe I’ll get some more love from other people tomorrow.
I can’t sleep, I can’t cry.

31st of Aug, 2015

Today is nice. You told me not to forget to enjoy life. Thank you, really, that helped me out.
Now I remember the way I enjoy life. I get love from people, and prove to myself that I was love. That how I live.
And so, today is nice, because I finally remember how to live. Thank you.
You helped me remember my reason to live.

Things ends here. Thank you for all you have done. What can I do for you?

Today is not so a bad day

Today morning was lonely, but I think I belong to lonely place.

Later this morning, I played with your friends. That was nice.

This noon and afternoon, I have a lot of work. But this time people helped me out. Things are going well.

Right now, in the evening, I’m talking to you. Just stuff, again, but this time I feel like things are more interesting. This time I feel more alive.

Thank you, for helping me out, and showing me the way to live, not survive. Love you.

This was written on 31st of Aug, 2015
By the time you read this, I’ve forgotten who I am. But if things keep going this way, it’ll be fine by me.

The past

Today is Sunday, I don’t know if you like talking to me or not. For some reason, I can think of nothing to talk to you. It was like, I enjoy looking at you from a far distance rather than come closer and lure you to my trap like I usually do to people.

So you talk to me, about your status, about things you think of. Seems like you no nothing to talk either. So I think I should do my job: happily ask you question, so you won’t feel lonely, or maybe so I won’t feel lonely.

Stuffs was just like about internet connection, your cat, your tooth…yeah, stuffs. But sharing stuffs like that will make you relieved, right? If that was true, then to me that is enough.

Tomorrow is Monday, maybe I will get to the 4th floor to cry a little. Don’t know if you will be there. Oh, tomorrow is when you can read my posts, wonder if I have the gut to send you the links?

Tomorrow is a new begin of a new week, maybe I should renew my life. I think you should too, or maybe you did.

Ah ~ I want to be a cat. Your cat. I will get to your home sometime?

——————–
This seems to be like random things put together to me. Sorry for that, because the bad status of my mom these days effected me, and it put me in silent mode.

This was written on 30th of Aug, 2015
By the time you read this, I’ve changed so much that “who I am” had no longer existed.

Hopeless

“I’ll hug the whole world”
“I’m no guardian angel”

Both are what you said.

One gave me the light. The other offered me soft darkness. But both gave me the same feeling: You’re only human, like me, like everyone else

Let me tell you about how I learned what I think you felt. You fell into pitch black. Your mind went numb, and your soul became a giant hollow black-hole. You wanted something to fill it up. So you wanted to be helpful, to live among people’s love, to cover the fact that your life is now empty. You would accept any kind of love, you would give away love and smile like you are the happiness of all. And, somehow, it would make you forget.

But when I was too clingy, you was afraid. You afraid you would do something wrong. You afraid of my trust I gave you, that was too much of a requirement. You don’t want me to fooled myself that I was actually in love with someone, that someone loved me so much. And because you knew, this was leading to a bad end. So you backed off.

That was okay. That proved that you are still normal. Not like me, I’m so broken, that I don’t want to see that warning sign. Now, you have these choice.

Or help me to engulf myself into the deep dark.
Or refuse my hand reaching for help, so you can continue your life, and abandon me. I won’t be able to destroy myself.
Or take my hand, and raise me up from this depression. This will not happen I swear.

Honestly, I want you to continue your life and throw me away. I’m feeling like I was bothering you the whole time.
No, I want you.

This was written on 29th of Aug, 2015
By the time you read this, I had fooled myself to believe that someone will be there for me forever.

Cuteness

I have a friend. He was cute.
He has a kawaii penguin-like figure. He’s just like a stuffed animal.

I have a friend. He was cute.
He was really nice. He always tries his best to make people happy, even when he’s exhausted. He says sorry and thanks all the times. He cares about how people feel.

I have a friend. He was cute.
Have I ever told you I am a sadist (kind of)? There was once time he was depressed, and he just wanted to ease the pain, to get out of the endless agony. And, looking at him like that, makes me want to embrace him so bad. At his situation, he would even kiss anyone I guess? The moment when a human break down, all the weaknesses are exposed, that when I found it so beautiful.

I have a friend. He was cute.
I wonder how he will express his lust, if I can make him to. He just sat there silently and let me lick his ear. That was cute. Wonder if he will be gentle? I love gentle. This is making me excited.

I have a friend. He was cute.
He is there for me. Although I know, there is no way he will have any feeling for me. But that was enough. He said he wanted a gf. I feel jealous, although I have no right to.

I have a friend. He was cute.
I want to love him. Sadly I won’t love anyone. But this now is fine.

This was written on 29th of Aug, 2015
By the time you read this, I was already hopeless.

At the hallway

You said, I could join you on the 4th floor if I want. That you will be alone there waiting for me.

So I came. And you’re there. Empty.

When everything is silent, is when I am who I am. My hands wrapped around your neck, wanting to caress all over your body. While my tongue lustfully licking your ear. I can sense the salty taste behind your ear, and the sweaty smell from your hair. Your scent stimulated my brain, and my carnivorous instinct kept whispering to me to bite into your soft, sweet flesh. I want your warm, inviting blood to cover my mouth and drip down my chin.

When I was in the middle of the exciting passion, suddenly I felt something. Your head. You tilted toward me. Y-you,you,l-like it?

I stopped. I was scared. In a nanosec, I thought that you liked it. Thought that you liked me. That made me happy. And scared me at the same time. Because I know, what I hope was impossible. And if I get any emotional evolved with you, I’d be screwed.

So I quickly forgot that thought, and go back to my job. Sniffed your neck a little bit more. Ignore the racing heart and the trembling limbs (You noticed that). Hug you more tightly, to erase the fear. But the feeling got bigger and bigger.

I wanted to kiss you.

I wanted to kiss you. But now, I’m thinking, by the time you read this, that had become impossible. Maybe, you will not read this at all.

So at least let this be a sad fragment of my memory.

This was written on 28th of Aug 2015
I will lust after only you. By the time you read this, the future is already unchangeable.