My memories of myself is fading away right inside my mind

The moment that my existence disappear within me, is when I will be free…will I not?

My dear little girl….just forget yourself and fall to sleep deep in this fantasy




Looking at people around changing makes me feel really sad.
Well I’m changing too. Then why am I feeling this way?

I keep wondering, until one day, I find out

People around me change in one way, and I change in another. It’s as if they are moving toward a world that I will never belong to. And that makes me feel lost and lonely. And envious.

Maybe it’s alright for me to be lost inside my world? Maybe it’s alright if I keep sinking deep into this fantasy.



I have friends that are always by my side just so they can make me happy. And they don’t care about who I am, they love me either way.

I have good music and games to chill with.

My life is of a goddess, with my relatives doing everything for me, I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, get whatever I want, and still get delicious foods and drinks whenever I get home. All I need to do is studying and playing around.

I get lots and lots of fun from all of that. But

It’s still not enough.
I feel empty.

[Not] again

Disclaimer: the picture here is not my drawing, yet I fixed it a little using painttoolSAI.

Things are repeating.

First, the girl that smiled to him yesterday, now is asking him to have lunch with her. Such a nice girl. What a pity.

And so, they have lunch together on the rooftop. A little chat, those boring things. Woah, don’t they look lovely together?

And after that, yes, of course. The piano. The piano in the instrument room is being played. The room is right under where they are, so he can easily hear it. So this is happening again huh?

Few days later, the newspaper coverages of a murder of a young school girl, she was killed inside the instrument room of her school after lunch time. The murder weapon was identified as some kind of string – the kind of string that use in fishing line or in musical instruments. She was suffocated to death, and was hit by a stick-like weapon several time after her death. The police have no clues of who the killer can be, or how that one was able to lead the victim into the room and kill her. The only suspect was a school boy, who was the last one to talk to her earlier before the murder, but when he was being in custody, an anonymous sent the police a picture of him standing near the school clock on the roof, and the time on it was exactly when the girl was killed.

“She told me that she wanted to see who was playing the piano, although I told her not to because I felt uneasy. I knew this would happened because this is at least the 10th time of the 10th school. I should stop her, then all of this had never happened…”

“Boy, I know this was hard for you, but we found no sign of that someone played the piano, or any instrument in the room. And all other students don’t say anything about hearing a piano sound or any unusual noise.”

“Ah ~ so lucky that I took some pictures of him right?”
“It was just because I cleaned it all you know?”

The essay

So on Friday, my teacher gave me this: “Isn’t it true when Norman Cousins said: “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

Right at the moment I read that, I had already know what was awaiting me. The epilogue would require me to write something like “don’t let your inner child die” or something like that.

What an irony, requiring a dead person to tell someone else to “live”. I have already killed myself, you know?