Just think of this as a will

Disclaimer: I’m not good at writing (or English, or anything at all). I’m writing this as an apology, but I’m not seeking understanding nor forgiveness. I simply think that I owe you all a proper explanation.

Note: This is a post that I posted on my Facebook, to all of my friends.

Where do I start? Ah, I should start at where it all began. The happiest period of my life was when I first entered this school, the best school in Hanoi, maybe the best in Vietnam. It was not only because of the honour, but also because of all the friends I had. You are all so kind, so supportive, so understanding. I felt like, all my wishes came true. I was an excellent student, I was loved by everyone, I had everything that thousands of teenagers wanted to have.

But it was not for long. Have I ever told you that I was a horrible person at primary school? When I found out how much of a jerk I was, I tried my best to be a “good person”, to please everyone. With a constant fear of being seen as an arrogant, ignorant, stuck up jerk. Deep down, I always thought that I didn’t deserve love, that all the love I received had always been a lie that I made up to calm myself.

And all those fears, those anxieties, those doubts followed me to highschool. Even when I happily reassured myself that all of my wishes were fulfilled, the fear still lived inside me. After a while, I think it was at 11th grade, I realised there were people who hated me. Why? Of course because I was a jerk. I was always a jerk. I was insensitive. There were times when I blame it on my appearance, thinking that I was ugly, but in fact it had always been because of my shitty personality. Once again, the fear grew up and taken over me. I no longer trust the genuine compliments, I no longer trust my own mind telling me “Everything is gonna be okay”, “You are full of love” or any stupid lies like those. I thought that was the worst.

Turned out I was wrong. Life sure has a sense of humour, doesn’t it?

My mind started to corrupt. I was no longer an excellent student. My study went downhill. My passion for art started to fade. My will to be kind and loving slowly disappeared. Everything just slowly faded to an ugly white. Nothing mattered anymore. I was really depressed at that point, so depressed that I left my PYHA club and the Science Tornado project, and considered killing myself. But my survival instinct kicked in, and I looked for help.

As I told my parents about my status, they took me to a doctor, who was a friend of my father. It was in summer. I was first diagnosed with depression, but shortly after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. After taking some medicine, I no longer longed for death. We all thought that everything was finally okay.

Wrong again, sucker.

At the start of 12th grade, my mom decided I was well enough to stop taking medicine. At that time, I didn’t really feel so, but I was mentally exhausted. So instead of telling my mom “I don’t feel good mommy”, I just simply told her that I was fine, and agreed to stop taking pill. Things are still gloomy, I was still suck at studying (actually, at everything), and I started to want death again, how great. I just wanted to blame something, someone. But everyone was nice. My family was supportive and understanding. I myself was not unfortunate or untalented. Even my luck was in my favour. So what should I blame? Myself. Well it was not the only time I blame myself anyway.

By now, I just don’t care anymore. I did not give up on life, because I love my dear mother too much to put her under such a pain. But I did give up on everything else. I don’t study anymore. I don’t play piano, nor draw, nor write anymore. Games become more and more boring after each day. I use friends to cheer myself up, but hey, not working. To be honest, this is no different from death itself.

So, if you message me and receive no answer, you know why. If it your birthday, and I say nothing, you know why. If we met in real life, and I ignore you, you know why. Again, I’m not looking for understanding. I’m sorry for being a useless burden to all of you.

Please know that I love all of you. I cherish every single person that came to my life. Thank you for your support. Without all of you, I must have been dead by now.

Sketch book

A sketchbook is not just about sketch. It’s about a human’s mind and soul. About stress and desire.

My sketchbook is full again. Quite fast. Depression does have an effect, huh?

Sunken

“I’m right here! Why do you keep holding onto that faded memory?!”

Standing in her room, he shouts. Across the room, she is standing there, shivering. She is holding tightly what seems to be a body. A male body.

“Because you two are the SAME! WHY do you keep holding onto ME?! Stop the lies already!” Tears are rolling down her face. “At least this you I’m holding will never reject me…anymore…”

His eyes slowly adjust to the dark. That is a corpse. With no limbs. Swallows that down. Takes a step forward. Must be gentle.

“STEP BACK!”

The girl is trembling. This is it. Nothing he can do. Helpless.

“No…I don’t love you…I don’t love anyone…This is selfish. This is unacceptable. This is guilty…”

She seems to be losing control.

[Idea]

Maybe I would enjoy a new story, a new restart, somehow, like an alternative universe to my twisted world, a reality built on lies

In a universe where things have not gotten this bad…where everything changes

But if I am unchanged, then the end still doesn’t change.

Be left [2]

Now that I think about it throughly, there is no way I will have a trauma over a mere lover. There can only be two cases: either that memory was not my trauma, or that was only a part of it. Since I know I forced myself to forget it, the case falls to the later. There should be something more that I forgot.

I didn’t had much friend when I was a secondary student. I had only one, to be exact. One girl. We were friends.
Till one day

“I only feel pity for you”

What can I say? Best friend ever, 10/10, must have.

But still, even with these memories, I couldn’t have trauma, anxiety, or depression over any of these. There is still something wrong.

Be left

Our relationship is something that technically doesn’t exist. There is no name of it, nor any hint directly supports the idea such a relationship exists. Hence, there’s no solid evidence that one day, you will not left me behind.

Till now, you have never shattered my hope. That can still be that you simply want to keep your promises, simple promises with no romantic intention. I don’t want my hope turn to be false. As they usually did.

As you can clearly see, the fear of being left by such a nice person like you is beyond stupidity. You can say, this had evolved into some kind of anxiety. So what can be the reason behind this?

At first, I thought this is just who I am. But as time goes by, I realize, something not right. I have forgotten something. I’m not afraid of being left just because “I’m afraid”. There was a memory. A trauma? I have forgotten something that affected my life, so that can only means I forced myself to forget it. Thus, this should be as awful as a trauma.

So that memory was
I was happy. I have someone next to me, who (unintentionally) lied: “I love you because of who you are”.
And few days later, when I was still really happy
He left. More like, he left me.

He said he didn’t think through. And I looked at his eyes. Full of determination. To leave me. And I realized, there was nothing I can do. The relationship was never solid. Think could fall off at anytime, for no reason, and there is nothing you can do.

I felt hopeless. Pathetic. Naive. Depressed. Shocked. Paralyzed. Foolish.

——————

Why am I writing this down?
Because soon, I will forget. I want some part of me left. That’s why.

“Suicide over depression = Selfish”

“Who like that is stupid and selfish”, “They don’t care about people around them”, “You should think about the love your family gave you”, “They haven’t think through”,…..

Let me tell you how we were “stupid” and “selfish”.

We do care about people around us. The thought of their love for us, and the thought of our own existence bothering them, those contradict and add up at the same time inside our minds. We think that, without us, the world will be a better place, we won’t bother anyone, no one will be annoyed anymore. People around don’t help to worry for us anymore, isn’t that a relief?

“How can you believe such a nonsense thing?” No, we don’t believe anything. Actually, we can’t believe anything at all. We’re unsure about everything. Everything is all like, “It can be like this, but you can’t be sure, because every time you’re sure about something, bad things happened” Like you thought doing something back then would help, but it actually annoyed others. That feeling is terrible, it’s like you’re terrified, helpless, bothersome, guilty, dumb, and useless at the same time.

“What can be such a reason for you to commit suicide?”, “Whatever it was, it can’t be that bad. Life is still there ahead”
Yes, it’s that bad. Life is still ahead. Can you understand how terrified it sounded?

One thing that anyone who dealing with depression would have is the lack of motivation. Someone used to tell me: “You will never fell lonely, when you still have your family”. I guess he didn’t know what is the loneliest feeling. The feeling that the world is so kind to you, and only you aren’t kind to your own. Can you know the feel, when you just don’t have any hope, dreams, desires, belief, anything at all? Can you imagine the feel, living in the love of others, when there is no love inside you at all? That is the loneliest feel of all. Yes, I have to agree that’s silly. But you can’t just call some feeling “silly” and then brush it off. It’s not simple like that.

In my case, what cause my such-called depression was my urge to help other. That was all I’ve ever wanted, that was all I have ever tried to do, so I could love and feel loved. You should be thinking, that was supposed to be a good thing, wasn’t it? Well, you see, the problem was, not everyone “needed” or “wanted” to be help. So in the end, I ended up annoyed them. But I didn’t give up my hope. “Maybe I should be more careful, maybe I should leave them alone”. Once again, they hated me for that. They thought I was selfish and emotionless. “You think you are high and superior right?” And then I was completely lost. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I want to help, but I afraid I would upset them. So I stay away, but I scared to annoyed them with “that attitude”. The infinite loop of uncertainty drove me crazy, and I ended up being like this.
But that wasn’t the most terrible part. The terrible part was, I had never known if all of that above had ever been the truth, or it had simply been my stupid imagination. I have never know, I never know, I will never know. These uncertainties are driving me crazy.

And now, I can’t want anything anymore. My soul, my head are both feeling sore. I gave up. I’m sorry. I can’t go on anymore. I don’t even want to die anymore. I only want to lie there, soullessly, dead. Not physically dead, but dead.

Sorry, but I gave up.

Fading

My memories of myself is fading away right inside my mind

The moment that my existence disappear within me, is when I will be free…will I not?

My dear little girl….just forget yourself and fall to sleep deep in this fantasy

 

World[s]

Looking at people around changing makes me feel really sad.
Well I’m changing too. Then why am I feeling this way?

I keep wondering, until one day, I find out

People around me change in one way, and I change in another. It’s as if they are moving toward a world that I will never belong to. And that makes me feel lost and lonely. And envious.

Maybe it’s alright for me to be lost inside my world? Maybe it’s alright if I keep sinking deep into this fantasy.

Depression?

I have friends that are always by my side just so they can make me happy. And they don’t care about who I am, they love me either way.

I have good music and games to chill with.

My life is of a goddess, with my relatives doing everything for me, I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, get whatever I want, and still get delicious foods and drinks whenever I get home. All I need to do is studying and playing around.

I get lots and lots of fun from all of that. But

It’s still not enough.
I feel empty.
Why?